When I originally set out to write Well That’s Swell Then, I had no intention that it was going to become a series. But I found that I had too much to say and that I couldn’t cover everything that had happened in just one post. The experience of writing about my condition and the associated struggles has been so cathartic. I am overwhelmed by the response I have received from this series but most importantly I am so proud of myself that I have taken the courage to share and raise awareness of something so deeply personal and not that understood. I can only credit that to the workout and nutrition programme I have been following which has given me the confidence to speak out and come to terms with something that previously I was ashamed to let anyone know about.
Certainly, I know I still have a long way to go and my goal now is to try and manage the condition as best I can. I also know that I am likely to get Cellulitis again and again as it’s just something that will crop up seemingly out of the blue, but at least I know the warning signs to look out for and I will never risk delaying treatment again. I still have my worries. What wedding shoes will I wear? I want to wear something pretty but they will need to be practical and comfortable. Pretty and practical don’t really go together. We are due to go on honeymoon to South Africa at the end of October and I am worried about how I am going to cope with the long flight and the possibility of getting a bite or scratch out there which might lead to getting infected.
When I returned to work in January it was really nice that people were so pleased to see me back and they would come up to me and ask if I was all better now, but they didn’t really get it. They would look at me, expecting me to say ‘yes I’m all cured now’ because that’s the thing with Lymphoedema – from the outside, when my leg is covered up by trousers and I am wearing trainers I look perfectly fine. It’s only when you peer closer that you will see the difference. So they are quite shocked when I explain ‘I am much better than I was but I have a lifelong condition now which I have to manage.’ And it can be quite wearing to explain what that condition is over and over again, like I have to justify myself.
Some people ask, ‘what is it like to have Lymphoedema?Does it hurt?’ When I wake up in the morning my feet will almost look the same but by the end of day the right foot will be almost double the size of the left. After sitting or standing for long periods of time, and towards the end of the day I feel a dull ache in my right leg and it starts to feel really heavy. It is not necessarily painful but it is uncomfortable. But it is the things associated with it that I struggle the most with. The unsightliness of it. What to wear in the Summer when all you want to wear is shorts and flip flops. Finding and buying shoes that will fit. I have had to throw away so many pairs of old shoes because I just couldn’t get my feet into them anymore. The stressfulness of commuting and trying to get on a packed train, scared shit-less that someone is going to step on your feet. The constant worry of getting re-infected. Going for pedicures and having to show your feet to the beautician.
Through it all though I have found some positiveness. I have discovered what real love is. Real love should not be measured by how things are in the good times. Candlelit dinners and romantic weekends are all very well but what matters, what really matters, is how things are in the bad times. Even when I was at my lowest Ben was there for me, not just in helping me with my practical recovery and doing his nursemaid chores, but emotionally too. When I looked my worse, living permanently in jogging bottoms, unshaven legs, hair not brushed, wearing my bandages with my foot in the state it was, he would tell me he loved me and found me attractive. I think our relationship grew stronger than it ever was before during those days.
The other positive thing I found was the strength in my own convictions. I know now that I know myself and my own body well enough to seek the help I need and not be fobbed off at the first attempt by someone who thinks they know better because they are better qualified.
It’s also taught me to not take my body for granted. Only when something goes wrong do you really stop and think about everything your body does for you and how you treat it. It’s why I am starting to eat healthier, think about what I am putting into my body to give it the right fuel it needs and have a consistent exercise routine which will not only help me lose the weight I want to shift but will help with managing the condition too.
Emma's Blog 